Open

Show me you love me
without touching me.
Show me you care
without gifts or money.
give me your time.
give me your heart.
give me your pain.
Let me experience you
and give you all I have left.

Jewels

I wear jeweled tears around my neck
They're heavy.

Crafted carelessly
from blistered silver
and broken stones
a calloused heart
and broken promises.

There's beauty
Romanticized like a painting of war
"oh, look how it catches the light
despite the way its been tarnished by time.
How lovely this weight must be to carry."

You can't imagine
A burden so large
you can't find the strength
to press your fingers together
and open a clasp.

untitled 7

Not hopeful, not kind.
But I try.
I brace myself and fall,
but I stand up every time.
Not well rested,
but I won't close my eyes.
Starving for my truth
I'll be walking til I find it.

untitled 6

I'm rotten inside,
desperate to be forgotten,
I hide it.
I don't fit by
your side or in your mind
no matter how hard I try
I can't break away the parts
of myself I want to confine.

I'm jealous of the girls
you haven't met
careless, I set you as a standard
but its hard and my hands are
getting cold.
I can't hold on to you anymore.

Untitled 5

I don't really want to be alive
I don't think I could take my life.
So I'll lay in bed and watch the flies
laying eggs in my dirty dishes.

They're stacked high on the edge of the bed
I should take them with me when I refill my cup.
but I don't.
I'm not ready.

There may be words that can console me
but my loved ones are at a loss
I feel so bad for making them feel my pain
But I'm desperate to feel okay.

I'm supposed to reach out for help
how do you help someone like me?

Untitled 4

I’m broken, but whole.
Functional. Unfixable. Wonderful.

Untitled 3

I gave you parts of my heart
That I can’t even give to myself.
I hope that I’ll be able to find them
When the time is right.

untitled 2

I'm a miracle
always falling to pieces
wet eyes dulling me

Untitled 1

Fixing something that wants to be broken
outspoken about the motivation from the pain.
convinced you'll never be the same without it.
Blossom and wilt, create, repeat,
you hate the feat of growing
just to shrivel up again.

(11-7-2017)

They said to stop opening old wounds,
but an infection healed deep under your skin.
They can't see the pain growing inside you,
so keep breaking it open until you heal from within.

Teeth Falling Out: Files found on phone part4 (12/18/13)

There are so many things I wanted to tell you
but I can't.
If I never saw you again that'd be fine.
But I want so badly for you to talk to me,
even if it's just to tell you off for crossing the line.

I'm lonely and angry and I want you to know.
Maybe it's not heart break and I just hate rejection.
But I'd rather scream silently and cry into my pillow
Than have my teeth break over heart ache and misplaced affection.

I'm afraid to open my mouth because my teeth will fall out.
I try to hold back while they break and fall free.
I'm laying in bed, face covered with blood,
But you still don't seem to feel a fucking thing.

Are you giving me space because you know how I feel now?
Or do you really feel so at peace with yourself?
I'm dying to ask you but I know that I'll just end up
with and empty mouth.

I see you walk by and I try to hold back
the glare in my eyes because it only dares me to speak.
How dare you hurt me while I sleep?
I didn't even say a thing- But here I still stand.
teeth and blood in my hand.

I want to cut you with my words but I'm a coward.
You cut up my mouth because you have all the power.

Files found on phone part3 (12/18/13) Asexual

I feel sick enough to vomit.
I am an insignificant blip on a scatograph
of a worthless and meaningless phrase.

A phrase who's very definition can defy itself.
In what way can a title be less meaningful.

But perhaps I was better at
Being a dysfunctional truth.
A direct meaning, in a direct way.
Where you can fail but still meet its basic requirement.

The title gave me a solace and comradery,
I finally had a place
that I didn't have to hide
or pretend or lie.
My body and mind were mine
but it felt too good to be right
I guess I should have known.

That no matter what my aversion to
the sexual human condition is,
I'll never find the peace of mind I need.

Files found on phone part2 (12/18/13)

I use to be okay
With just watching you
Live, but I guess
I was just waiting
For you to ask me
to live with you.

And I used to be okay
With the song you wrote
about the girls you once knew
but you didn't seem interested
In finishing
that song about me.

And I'm okay
Sleeping alone
And eating alone
and being alone
But I got tired of being alone
When I was right there with you.

Files Found on Phone part1 (12/18/13)

I hide my social security card
Behind a picture of you.
I'm not sure what this means,
But it seems important.

To My Ex

Told you how I felt
You left my message on read
Guess I'll go to sleep

Novelty

You see me at the grocery store
asking me why?
You've clearly thought about it more than I have.
I don't know what to say
to make you leave quickly.

He looked my body over,
examining the changes I've made.
"It's just the icing on the cake" he said.
But the frosting was always his favorite part.
I want to hide myself.

They tell me I wouldn't do it
if I didn't enjoy the attention
But i just wanted to feel something
that wasn't disgusted,
when I looked at my skin

I stopped existing to please others,
and they'll never let it go.

Constellations

10 stars
I begin my new Journey, Strangers faces flashing.
Uncertain but hopeful, I move forward.
Where can this take me?
I welcome the mystery of the future.

23 stars
Connections ignite and burn out.
All cursed by demons of our past,
we present one another with nothing but ghosts.
Are the ones who burn bright through the darkness
trying to illuminate my path or lead me to danger?

102 stars
Guilt tripped.
I want it to end.
throw me 3 years into the future
and tell me its all worth it.
I want to connect, and to be connected with
But the percentages aren't right.
I feel so broken.

107 stars
Delete me, please
I can't take a hint.
Let's never meet face to face.
We're all just disappointments
waiting for our moment to lie.

Sprialed

(Aug 31, 2017)
Feel bad. Feel sad. Feel stupid. Feel empty. Feel out of control.
It's okay to have feelings that aren't positive of convenient.
Crying is healthy.

It's okay to feel sad.
It's no reason to spiral out of control
Little things can make you feel bad.
You don't need someone else to be whole.

Unrequited

Three feet away
I'd die to have you move closer 
but I'd suffer the same 
If I closed the space 
just for you to turn away