Untitled 9

I fell for you looking into the eye of your hurricane 

The force of your storm surrounds me 

With a promise of destruction 

But I treasure the moment of calm

That I found in all your madness

To My Old House and My Ex

Comfort
isn't always a good thing.
It can be like laying in bed
when you need to rise.

You were a warm bath
of oils and bubbles and salts
soothing my aching body.

It won't stay warm forever

The water cooled.
I may not have noticed at first,
but the soreness slowly set in.

It was time to go.

Pearls

there are pearls in heart where others left sand.

all of the years spent desperately fighting the coarseness inside me, 

yet when you plucked me up from the murky water

all you can think about is prying me open

to finally take my lovely pearls away.

I'm open

I'm exposed

I'm vulnerable 

the strand is long enough to choke me

swear to me you'll wear them and never give them back

Cemetery Girl

Two years ago I came upon a little girl. 

The stone slanted marker was small and old, but despite this she was clearly loved. A small concrete garden fence traced around the where she was laid. It's impossible to know if the boarder was there to protect her from being walked over or just as a way to express love for a lost child, but the sight of it stands out despite being surrounded by larger and more intricate grave markers of the era.  

I remember her being near the side of one of the roads that wound through the cemetery, in the old section towards the front. Wether by carelessness of others or the sinking and changing of the earth, her little fence had become disoriented, one side fallen over completely and another on at a harsh angle. I almost walked past it but for some reason it pulled at my heart strings and I felt compelled to stop. 

I spent a moment with her, getting to know what I could about her, and debating if I should disturb her at all. Ultimately I felt that repairing her resting place would be an act of love, since her parents and siblings were long gone and their children were probably gone too. I lifted the stones and shifted to earth and grass beneath them, pressing their fitted edges back together the best that could be done. 

I vowed to myself to come back to make sure she was still okay, but with every visit to the cemetery I search and search for her but she's nowhere to be found. 

comforts

lean into me
softly
tell me you care

intertwined fingers
and bodies

warmth on a cold night
a calm to my storm
all with a swift brush of hair from my face.

Hand to heart
to throat
mouth to neck

I've found comfort in your arms
and hope in your smile

trapped

I feel nothing as intensely
as the wholeness I've found
without you here to fight me
hand on my head,
face to the ground.

You told me I was broken
but you made me this way
my pieces didn't fit you
but you still demanded that I stay

To you love meant screaming
tribulations and trials
standing there to take it all,
faking my smile.

Open

Show me you love me
without touching me.
Show me you care
without gifts or money.
give me your time.
give me your heart.
give me your pain.
Let me experience you
and give you all I have left.

Untitled 3

I gave you parts of my heart
That I can’t even give to myself.
I hope that I’ll be able to find them
When the time is right.

Untitled 1

Fixing something that wants to be broken
outspoken about the motivation from the pain.
convinced you'll never be the same without it.
Blossom and wilt, create, repeat,
you hate the feat of growing
just to shrivel up again.

(11-7-2017)

They said to stop opening old wounds,
but an infection healed deep under your skin.
They can't see the pain growing inside you,
so keep breaking it open until you heal from within.

Teeth Falling Out: Files found on phone part4 (12/18/13)

There are so many things I wanted to tell you
but I can't.
If I never saw you again that'd be fine.
But I want so badly for you to talk to me,
even if it's just to tell you off for crossing the line.

I'm lonely and angry and I want you to know.
Maybe it's not heart break and I just hate rejection.
But I'd rather scream silently and cry into my pillow
Than have my teeth break over heart ache and misplaced affection.

I'm afraid to open my mouth because my teeth will fall out.
I try to hold back while they break and fall free.
I'm laying in bed, face covered with blood,
But you still don't seem to feel a fucking thing.

Are you giving me space because you know how I feel now?
Or do you really feel so at peace with yourself?
I'm dying to ask you but I know that I'll just end up
with and empty mouth.

I see you walk by and I try to hold back
the glare in my eyes because it only dares me to speak.
How dare you hurt me while I sleep?
I didn't even say a thing- But here I still stand.
teeth and blood in my hand.

I want to cut you with my words but I'm a coward.
You cut up my mouth because you have all the power.

Files found on phone part3 (12/18/13) Asexual

I feel sick enough to vomit.
I am an insignificant blip on a scatograph
of a worthless and meaningless phrase.

A phrase who's very definition can defy itself.
In what way can a title be less meaningful.

But perhaps I was better at
Being a dysfunctional truth.
A direct meaning, in a direct way.
Where you can fail but still meet its basic requirement.

The title gave me a solace and comradery,
I finally had a place
that I didn't have to hide
or pretend or lie.
My body and mind were mine
but it felt too good to be right
I guess I should have known.

That no matter what my aversion to
the sexual human condition is,
I'll never find the peace of mind I need.

Files found on phone part2 (12/18/13)

I use to be okay
With just watching you
Live, but I guess
I was just waiting
For you to ask me
to live with you.

And I used to be okay
With the song you wrote
about the girls you once knew
but you didn't seem interested
In finishing
that song about me.

And I'm okay
Sleeping alone
And eating alone
and being alone
But I got tired of being alone
When I was right there with you.

Files Found on Phone part1 (12/18/13)

I hide my social security card
Behind a picture of you.
I'm not sure what this means,
But it seems important.

To My Ex

Told you how I felt
You left my message on read
Guess I'll go to sleep

Constellations

10 stars
I begin my new Journey, Strangers faces flashing.
Uncertain but hopeful, I move forward.
Where can this take me?
I welcome the mystery of the future.

23 stars
Connections ignite and burn out.
All cursed by demons of our past,
we present one another with nothing but ghosts.
Are the ones who burn bright through the darkness
trying to illuminate my path or lead me to danger?

102 stars
Guilt tripped.
I want it to end.
throw me 3 years into the future
and tell me its all worth it.
I want to connect, and to be connected with
But the percentages aren't right.
I feel so broken.

107 stars
Delete me, please
I can't take a hint.
Let's never meet face to face.
We're all just disappointments
waiting for our moment to lie.

Unrequited

Three feet away
I'd die to have you move closer 
but I'd suffer the same 
If I closed the space 
just for you to turn away